A Courting Guide

I hear all the time how horrifying it is to date in modern times. But when has dating ever been easy? Dating itself is a very new and modern way of finding a spouse. Before this people used to court in various ways. Some ways were good and some ways not so much like arranged marriages. Although these ways may seem ancient, they had better success than dating has. The biggest difference I have observed from the past way of finding a spouse is you had a community or family to support you and help you make this decision. Unfortunately so many of us come from broken homes and fractured relationships that we just don’t have that support like we used to. Thank God for the Holy Spirit and the discernment He brings.

What do you know about the difference between dating and courting?

Do you think courting is old fashioned?

Are you willing to leave behind dating?

Will you trust God only to help you find the one?

“It is written in the Prophets: ‘They will all be taught by God.’ Everyone who has heard the Father and learned from him comes to me.” John 6:45

Jesus quoted the prophecy above to remind the people that we are now led by God himself and though we may lack spiritual guidance in the people around us, God will always teach us His ways directly. Modern dating actually does the opposite. It takes out the Lord being in control and puts you in control. It’s you deciding who you want to be with based off your limited knowledge about yourself and others. It may sound unrealistic to rely on God to help you court, but you can never fail when God is in control. Here are some steps through my own experience that will help you court effectively.

Ask all the questions and do not let your feelings for him stop you from asking important ones!

My husband and I asked every question we could think of, all over text message. In between our work days we would respond to questions and at night before bed we talked on the phone. We quickly became fast friends and it was becoming obvious we were falling for each other. So I prayed one night to the Lord for discernment. “Lord, I really like this guy and I need to ask him the important questions. The answer to these non negotiables will determine if I move forward with this man in an actual relationship. It will break my heart if the amswers are not what I want to hear but I am putting you first above all else.” I sent my husband the first question.” Do you want children in the future?” His answer was yes. Then right before I could send the second question he actually sent it right back to me and asked “Do you have a relationship with God?” and I said, “God is everything to me.” And those two questions confirmed to us both that God had led us to each other.

What are your top 3 non negotiables? If he does not want those things in his future it may be time to move on.

On your meet ups don’t focus so much on what your doing get to know each other deeply.

My husband and I went to the movies our first time hanging out together. It was during this time together I learned just how much the Lord meant to him and I felt convicted about some of the lack in my own faith. On the way home we talked about spiritual things and our beliefs about the world around us. This conversation continued to confirm we were absolutely made for each other. It’s important to express your deepest beliefs with each other even if you think the guy your talking to may judge you. Your beliefs matter. These beliefs are what makes you who you are and it’s important that you match up with your future spouse because these will be the foundation of your marriage and your family. The Bible constantly warns us to not be unequally yoked. It never tells us we should marry a spouse in hopes of turning them towards God. In fact the Lord consistently warns His people that those who marry outside of the faith will have issues with thier spouses turning them away from Him. This is why it is forbidden for God’s people to marry anyone who is not of the same faith. So do not ignore this important step.

Take it slow it will be so worth it!

My husband and I definitely did things backwards at first. We had sex before we were married and we became parents before we were husband and wife two months into our relationship. But not too long after we discovered I was pregnant we decided to sleep in separate rooms and wait until marriage to have sex again. Someone said to us it doesn’t really matter at that point since we were already expecting a baby. But redemption does matter and we wanted to honor God! It reminds me of the story of the King Nebucanzer. Where he was warned to turn from his sin and choose God. But he continued to sin and got exactly what God said he would get. Nebecanzaer could have just said “What’s the point? I’ve been punished might as well keep going and live my life!” But he didn’t. He praised God and gave himself fully over to the Lord even more so and God blessed him with an abundant life better than his life before. It’s never too late to start over. Our desire to honor God never stopped despite our mistakes. God even gave us favor in trying to do that in the blessing of our daughter. She was born beautiful and perfectly healthy a testimony to God’s faithfulness when we repent and choose Him. Our blessings only increased and the Lord continues to this day showing us favor. Do not rush into anything and if you already have it’s not too late to turn things around. You will be blessed.

Do not skip premarital counseling.

When you do get engaged to be married pre martial counseling is absouletly worth it. Think of it as the final moments to get to know each other even more and test your relationship’s resilence. Our counselar said to us that it was his job to try to break us up because if we can talk about the hard things and get through them we can have a succesful marriage. That sorta terrified me but once we got started I saw the power and fruits of it. Because of counseling we had the tools we needed to deal with communication issues and our first few years were greatly blessed. Many people wait far too long to do counseling as a couple. They tend to start when things have gone wrong. But if you would start off getting help in the beginning your will avoid a lot of headaches the first few years of your marriage. If you have a trustworthy minister or Christian counselor led by the spirit and biblically based, ongoing counseling will greatly bless you as well. There is a reason the Bible encourages it because having a neutural party help you come to reconcilliation and understanding helps avoid years of marriage hardship. But if you don’t have this support pray together and study the word together. Share scriptures with one another throughout your work weeks. Find time to pray and Bible study in person. That alone will be enough because the Holy Spirit is the great counselor.

Prayer

Pray that the Lord will help you move out of the dating mindset and show you how to court for your spouse. Pay that He would help you be brave to express your no negotibales and put Him first above all else. Ask the Lord to give you strength to be patient even when you know you love the man in front of you. Pray that the Holy Spirit will give you self control which is a fruit of the spirit. Pray for the man you are speaking to, even if you have to part ways. In Jesus Christ name. Amen.

Christ Mindset

The Lord is faithful to me therefore He can lead me to the right person. I have peace that surpasses all understanding so I do not have to fear when I give things over to God. He knows me deeply and knows what’s best for me.