Long ago I sleepily entered an old church in Downtown Cincinnati. It was Sunday and the early morning dew met with my black dress shoes as I entered the side door. This was not my favorite place. Unwillingly I had been here many times, but I had no idea that day would be different.
As a child church confused me and greatly terrified me. There was never a place more isolating to me than the place of worship. At the start of church we would first gather in the sanctuary. The sanctuary was where I felt more comfortable because the crowds swallowed me up. I could hide and not be seen and blend in. But Sunday school was a whole different story. There was not many kids there and being extremely shy I had not one friend. It was a constant reminder of how alone I really was and brought up my feelings of abandonment.
One Sunday a crowd of kids showed up. It must have been Easter Sunday because that was the only time our Sunday school room was so full. I did as I do in crowds and hid among the many excited kids waiting for the lesson to start. At the end of the presentation the leader began to speak of something I heard every Sunday after the lesson was done. Salvation. But this time my ears were opened and I met my God for the first time.
I received salvation in a baptist church around the age of 7. It was just me and the Lord and no one knew about it. And as I grew up with a new awakened Spirit in me, no one also knew the struggle I had with the church itself. There was my love for it, because it was the only public place I could feel the spirit of God move and hear the word of God preached. The only place I saw people gather and encourage each other no matter how rare those occasions were throughout the year.
But as I grew up, in my heart, there also grew a hatred for it. The pressures each denomination placed on me to be what they said was Holy. The hypocritical people that were open about their sin, causing constant turmoil and pain in the church walls. So at the age 16 I ran away from all forms of congregation. I was angry but in truth, I set off to find out who God was on my own. To this day I have never regretted that.
But when I was 22 years old I rejoined a congregation with my husband and first daughter. That church split and we went with those who left. Soon we were given heartbreaking news that the pastor was giving up. And so I found myself confused and lost not knowing where to go. We eventually settled into a new church home where we served for a few years only to be, this time, called away from that congregation. It was exhausting to say the least. And I see now more than ever, I am not alone in my experiences. I know many of you have been hurt by people in a congregation. And I get that. In fact, it was professing Christians that betrayed me, used me and rejected me.
So believe me when I say I truly understand. I want you to know that your feelings and pain does matter. I would never tell you that your wrong for feeling what you do. But do not let you pain overtake you to the point where you turn your back on God. God is not the church and I can say for a fact that He would never call you anywhere that would hinder your relationship with Him.
I am not saying to do what I did. My family and I chose to do what God called us to do. But what I am saying is, never let the pain of what someone has done to you be the basis of your decisions. My first break from the church was not based off my anger, it was my hunger to know who God really was. As daughters and sons of God, we are to be led by the Spirit not by our feelings. To those who do judge others for leaving the church and never returning, we also have no right to judge what God calls His own to do.
If the Lord calls you to a church I want to share with you what He showed me: Jesus never commands me to be apart of a church. Men may, but He does not. But if He does call me to be apart of a church I have to understand that the church has nothing to do with my relationship with God. A church is a place to serve and do the will of God no matter how I feel about the people there or what they try to do to me. I am there for Him and Him only, therefore my leaving is according to His purpose for me.
Because of me understanding this, I was able to serve in a church with my full heart until I was eventually called away. I will not return to a congregation, not because I have been hurt, but because I go where God leads me only. God is wherever I am and my place of worship is forever held in my heart. Though I was in a church when I received salvation, the fact still remains that it has always been just me and my Abba from the beginning. And that will be all that matters in the end.
With Love,
J.S
You must be logged in to post a comment.