Tag: mental health

The Hate I keep

Published on by Johnnatta GilesLeave a comment

From the time I was a young girl and even today I have hated myself. That is common among abused children and it takes us a long time to heal from all the damage to get to a place of self love. But the way the world tells us to love ourselves never works. A career, freedom, fun, self expression and down time does not create love for ourselves.

I know, because I tried it all only to end up hating myself more. The first step to self love is facing your past and owning your truth. Then allowing God to show you where He wants to change you along the way. I serve a wonderful God that wants us to love Him but also wants us to love ourselves. And if I want to love my family well and fully it starts with me. Here I share my past struggles and my present truth. I am learning to face it all so that love for myself will one day be my reality. And if you feel the same too I am praying that very thing for you.

Psalms of my Heart

Who should I be?

Separated from the one who should’ve taught me

She haunts my dreams even today

A bond that never breaks

A face I wanted as my own

Because I never loved the one I owned

Who should I be?

Not the fists that beats me

Or the palms that choke me

I swore one day if I escaped

I would never live in hate

Still the hate showed up

It came without permission

But I kept it without suspicion

Who I am?

My joy or pain became my worth

Changing faster than seasons

Accompanied by fear

This all becomes my identity

And there is no free flying here

Have I come to a point of no return?

Is it inevitable that in the end I become unlovable?

How can I expect anyone to love me?

When the fact remains, that I hate me

Mental Health In Christ

Published on by Johnnatta GilesLeave a comment

I don’t think I have ever mentioned this on my blog before and forgive me if I have, but I have struggled with mental illness since I was just a toddler. My medical records state that I started showing signs of depression at 4 years old and would often go into “my own world” I received therapy only to eventually be given up on because of never speaking. They always said I was just “really shy” and “very well behaved.” Everyone loved a child like me back in the children are to be seen not heard era. But I wasn’t shy I was afraid, alone and in constant turmoil.

When I think back to those years It angers me greatly. I can’t help but think how many other little ones have or are going through this and not getting the help they need from the people who are supposed to be helping them. I am always brought to tears and I pray for them often. The lost children are not only the ones that are physically lost from their homes, but also those who are lost within the walls of a place that is supposed to be their home. I have hope through my testimonies that adults and children like me will not only now there is a way to be healed fully but also that they are never alone.

May you come to know the Lords love for you and receive the hope that sets men truly free.